Shall We Date?

When I turned 14 my dad took me out to a nice restaurant and gave me a purity ring. We prayed together, and I made a vow. I vowed that I would remain pure. To many people "purity" means saving sex for marriage. To me, purity means so much more. Not only did I vow to save myself for marriage, I vowed not to date. Through this vow, I have been immensely blessed. Let me explain.

In our culture dating has become accepted. It's used for recreation, finding a mate, and building relationships. I believe that dating has become so accepted that it is rarely questioned. Even within the church we have "pure dating doctrine" and we set down rules about how to date correctly. Christian teens are taught that if they follow these "pure dating rules" they will, by default, remain pure. They believe that if they don't cross "the line" they are not sinning. I have even heard that each person's "line" is different and that we each need to prayerfully decide where to draw that "line". If the person you're dating tries to cross "your line", you should quickly explain to them that they're approaching your line and you're uncomfortable. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you have probably heard some of the "pure dating doctrine".

I have a huge problem with this doctrine. I believe that it is a way to compromise with the world's way of doing things. Something is either right, or it's wrong. It's either pure, or it's not. When you must be taught "how to participate in this purely", chances are it's not a pure practice. To be taught how to date purely is like being taught how to drink as much as you can without getting drunk. As Christ's people, shouldn't we be abstaining from the world's practices- especially in such an important area as finding a husband or wife- and doing things God's way? If so, let's take a look at what the Bible has to say about dating. While I believe that many of these ideas can be applied to girls and guys, I'd like to specifically speak to my sisters in Christ.

First, in case there is any doubt, let me establish that we are supposed to be different.

Titus 2:13-15 Looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a peculiar people, zealous for good deeds. These things speak and exhort and reprove with all authority. Let no one disregard you.

1 Pet 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Matt 5:13a,14 You are the salt of the earth...you are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.

We are to be a peculiar people, a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, the salt of the earth, the light of the world, and a city set on a hill. We are to be very different from the world. As we have commonly come to say, "We are in the world, but not of it."

Now I would like to show you some passages that have convicted me in my decision not to date. Perhaps the most cherished passage to many Christian women of all ages is that of the Proverbs 31 woman. She is an example to all of us. She is exactly what we strive, everyday, to be. I would like to look specifically at verse 12:
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
"All the days of her life." It doesn't say, "after she's married to him" or "when she knows he's the one she will marry." It says that she, this beautiful example to Christian women, does her husband good and not evil all the days of her life. This is something that I recently discovered. I am to do good for my future husband even now. What I do at this time in my life can lead to his shame, or to his glory.

I can picture a beautiful wedding day. As the preacher says, "You may now kiss your bride.", the groom leans forward to kiss her. As he's kissing his new wife, at probably one of the most wonderful moments in his life, the best man remembers his first date...with the bride. Two young men in the audience, both now married, distinctly remember their first kiss...with the bride.
That picture saddens me. But it's something that I'm sure happens often. Through her dating, this bride brought her husband dishonor- even if he never knew it.

So many girls choose to date, and date some more. After they break up with one boy, they find another. And so on and so forth. Dating becomes an emotional roller coaster where girls are focusing on one boy this month, another next month. Their energy goes into catching his interest, and then into keeping him interested. This kind of energy is meant to be saved for one man. Instead, many girls choose to use most of it up on their Christian sisters' future husbands.

I often hear that we have the "right" to date as many guys as we can to make sure we choose the right one. What?! I don't understand why any girl would believe that she has the right to practice on other young ladies' future husbands. Furthermore, that a girl would think she has the right to place a claim on any young man she chooses. She calls him (it eventually becomes "them" as break-ups occur) her "boyfriend" and then claims him as "hers". Why do we, in this society, believe it's OK to claim someone before we're betrothed or married? That "boyfriend" is very likely someone else's future husband, and I, for one, do not like the idea of another girl placing a claim on my future husband.

Now I would like to look at a different passage. Most of you will agree that divorce is wrong.

Mal 2:16a "For I hate divorce," says the Lord, the God of Israel...

Bear with me for a minute. I realize that breaking up, within the practice of dating, is different from divorce. But I like analogies. And I bleieve that the things we train ourselves to do in our youth stick with us. Habits we form are often hard to break. When we participate in something, we need to look at the long term effects.

Dating prepares us for divorce. Why? Because we get into our heads that we can date a guy, then when we get tired of him or "it doesn't work out", we can dump him. Many girls go through 2,3,4 or more boyfriends in their teen years. No matter how "serious" the relationship was, it was easy to get out of. Each break up numbs us to the seriousness of giving our hearts away again. It will be that much easier to give up on marriage- which is a terrible sin. Why numb yourself to sin?

Matt 26:41 Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into tempation; the spirit is wililng, but the flesh is weak.

Here is yet another reason why I'm thankful for my vow not to date. Temptation is set in front of me often. I can say from experience that even when you're "just friends" with a guy, it's sometimes hard to keep your feelings in check. Besides this kind of tempation, sin is set in front of me daily in many forms. Life is hard enough as it is. How could someone purposely place themself into the kind of situation where sexual tempation is rampant? Just as Matthew 26:41 says, the flesh is weak. I do not wish to place myself into a situation where I could so easily stumble. Not only have I been able to keep myself from situations where I'd be tempted sexually, I have been given protection from having my heart broken.

1 Cor 15:33 Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."

Rom 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.

From these two verses I gather that we, as Christians, are to prefer one another's company over that of the world. The teen years are a great time to nurture friendships with Christian brothers and sisters alike. Time after time, I have seen dating get in the way of these friendships. There are several reasons.
First, often any attention given to a teen by the opposite sex is seen as romantic interest. Friends quickly turn into boyfriend and girlfriend and things are never the same. What happens after the break up? Things are different. What could be a wonderful friendship turns into a romantic relationship too quickly, often stopping two people from achieving the friendship they were meant to have.
Second, when dating enters a circle of friends, people become exclusive. I have had several friends who, after entering a dating relationship, dumped the rest of their friends to focus on their date. And for what? None of these friends ended up marrying the young men and women that they gave up their friends for. Was it worth it? Friendships are stronger when everyone isn't thinking about who's dating who, or who dated who.

Christian friendships are wonderful things. We can strengthen and challenge one another in our walks with Christ. I have been blessed with many friendships with Christian brothers and sisters. If dating does not enter the scene, there is more time to nurture true friendship. If we aren't focused on dating, everyone can be included and loved. I feel that I have a certain responsibility to my brothers in Christ. I am not to cause them to stumble. I should encourage them in their purity, and not seek for them to notice me exclusively.

I have a younger brother. I expect certain things from him. One thing I expect is that he guards the emotional purity of his sisters in Christ, which is great training in spiritual leadership. It would be wrong for him to choose a specific girl and get her emotions worked up because of him. If anything, he should be encouraging her to focus on Jesus Christ and to prepare herself for her future husband. Our Christian brothers are powerful in helping us guard our purity. Yet, through dating, many of them have helped us to lose emotional purity without even realizing it.

Inevitably, when I voice my views on dating, someone will ask, "Then how will you find a husband?" My answer is this: I will not find a husband. God has plans for my future, but right now I have no idea if those plans include marriage. If God does plan for me to marry, I have faith in Him. I serve the God who created the earth. I serve the God who created woman from man's rib. I serve the God who formed me within my mother's womb. I serve the God who loved me so much that He sent His Son to die to take my sins away. So I would like to ask those who doubt that I'll be able to get married without dating, "Do you believe the God I serve is limited to dating? Or do you believe He can give me a husband without it?" I have no doubt that my God can write my love story perfectly, without me getting in the way.

I have placed before you a few of my reasons not to date. In conclusion, I challenge you to show me if you can find any Scriptural evidence for dating. Examine it for yourself. Dating is a practice that has spread across our society and enslaved our youth. Many young people, some as young as 11 and 12, are caught up in the dating game and they don't even realize that it's not the only way. We are so blinded by the practice of dating that we limit God to its boundaries and we strive to purify an impure practice. Please do not limit God in your love story- He probably has something much better in mind for you.